Am I Me?

A question I ask my self and wonder if I am?

“Am I me?”

Do you think you are you?

Why do I ask this question?

Well, because me being me and you being you is almost trivial because so many factors go into it. I ask it because, can we ever really be us or is there an ever stretching line of what it means to be ourselves?

Think about it, if you are not assertive in your choices in life and concrete about where you are trying to go. Will the crowd not sway you? So are you really being you?

I think about this quite a bit, am I really making every decision for myself or are there external factors I am letting persuade my direction?

There are some many external experiences and barriers that often transform us or push us in a direction we did not expect, did not want, or maybe wanted. But we had no handle of it or do we?

I guess you could say this thought is tied to the idea of free will, is it really free will?

When you see a red light you stop right? Was it your choice or was it the fear of the law or possibly injuring someone that ceased you from rolling forward? Maybe you believe overall it is the right thing to do. But if you think it is the right thing to do, where did such a thought come from?

I believe there are clear lines of right in wrong, but what I don’t think is clear is what it means to be you. When you wake up, are you charged for your life? Or does the injection of having to get up substantially submerse your mind in unease?

To any of these questions, why do we feel the way we feel about them?

When I tell a joke and no one laughs, does that mean I am not funny?

If I do something that is considered rude in one place but not another, am I rude overall or just in a particular place?

We all have masks we constantly play with, one for work, one with friends, parents, out in public. How do you adjust your masks and how often?

Do you plague yourself with so many masks, that anxiety overwhelms you and to make any decision but the ones approved by your peers are the ones you choose?

Or do you have only one mask? All the decisions you make are your own without any thought of anything else?

I would like to deny such a claim if presented, why? Well, do you act how you act around your friends in an interview? Do you act how you act in an interview at a party?

See, so many things conflict with who we are, one moment we act this way to please this scenario, then the next we act just a little different.

See, we constantly try to, I guess you could say please. Actually how about, we try to keep the potential chaos at minimum for ourselves. We may think we are doing it for others, but truth is, in the end it is we who we are after. Just like how we help others, not only to help but because it makes us feel better.

Don’t want to upset your girl, so you buy her flowers for your anniversary so she does not get upset. Though you may think a a six months anniversary is silly, so you did it for her right? You did in someway, the end result is, you did not have to face the “pain” that would come your way if you did not purchase said flowers.

You pay for a girls dinner on the first date. Because you wanted to, for her, a complete stranger? No, you did it for one of two reasons, you hope in doing so she will return for another date, two, it is the polite thing to do as a male. Okay maybe three, the instant gratification in hoping if you play it out right you will “get some.”

What is the female equivalent? I cannot say, as I am guy. But I will take a guess.

Make up, “I do it for myself…it is fun…”

I have heard that a lot, go on a date without make up and lets see how you fair as a women. What do you think your confidence will be, oh, don’t do your hair either. Show up all “natural” your, “I just woke up” look.

You do it for the reaction of others or the specific him. You want positive reaction as you roll thoughts through your head you may be rejected because you are not on “fleek.”

These are some basic ideas that we are never really ourselves, can we ever be?

I think so, but not in the way we may think of the, “Be yourself,” aspect.

You start a business and you’re wild, you party and you are poor with money, good luck finding investors, continue to “be yourself” but little will probably come of your business without shaping yourself to fit that goal.

See, I think we are shaped by the goals and standard we want to achieve in certain aspects of our lives.

Want to be more outgoing? Better practice talking more in social settings. Want to be a famous writer? Then you better keep at it and make writing your daily grind. Nothing comes to fruition without the actions to produce it.

What I am really saying at that bottom of it all is, we become what we think we want to aim for. Often times what we think we want may be far from what we actually want and need from ourselves.

But we cannot find what we actually want and need without getting dirty and trying things out.

So to be yourself I would say, is a forever experiment. An individual may think themselves themselves one day. Only to find out they were letting certain things contain themselves inside a room.

Much like myself, I pandered for a long time to people to please them. I would do dumb things to make people laugh, act awkward if it drew attention. I even tried playing the “bad boy” selling drugs to be “cool.”

Each of those things turned out to be a cry from my existing self to be let out. The attention I sought was a defense mechanism in fear of being rejected by others if I was me.

I’m not saying now at every moment I am truly me. I hide myself as any other depending on the situation. Like, I would never just walk about someones house I just met and be about it as if it is mine. I would never talk to my friends the same way I talk to my boss.

We are in free will to the extent at which the situation will allow. Rather you will allow, within the realm of which brings the desired result we think we want in the moment. Get mad, yell at so and so in the heat of the moment, only to realize that was not the result you wanted.

So let me end by saying, be you toward the you you think you want in the present being to bring about the you you want in the future. Plan yourself out I would say, your life meets you at what you act out. To be you, is to be fluid in change in aim of achieving the most joyful you that can overcome anything.

Thank you for reading…..

Just a man that was once lost in the pursuit of understanding himself. I write short stories, poems, and motivational pieces. (Instagram @poemjunkybiffle)

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