I drift back into a blank space in my mind. Like drifting knowingly back into a dream but at the last minute, lose any comprehension that I have dozed off.
A sweet scent of burning sugar consumes my sense of smell while visions of colors twirl like oil in water. I can feel myself lifting from the chair but am unaware what is actually happen.
Suddenly, I see formation of something I cannot explain as music plays in the background dancing side by side with the colors. I start to feel a sense of calmness but it is trailed by anxieties and fear.
I start to feel slight panic as the once vibrant colors now turn to two hues, red and blue. My body tenses as the colors appear to fight among each other. My right eye is filled with a bright shade of blue.
My left eye is filled with a neon red. I watch with closed eyes as they twist and warp among each other. As they intermingle with what appears to be with intelligence acting in a subconscious reaction to my being.
As they form their bodies to consume the other I open my eyes, the colors vanish but the feelings of calm is torn by reputable concerns building in my mind. A tear falls gently from my left eye.
I feel stricken with guilt, with sorrow and an undeniable reality of what I am. I am a creation of my own doings. A solid conscription of my faults and choices.
A coin with two sides in constant tossing into the air only to land abruptly on what I believe me to be. Though I harness what seems to be of two worlds, it appears it is my choice as to which world to walk among.
Something beyond my flesh holds dearly to me. Like the air that fills my lungs. Though I cannot see it, I know it to be so. Though I cannot grasp it with my touch, I know it to be real.
And like I can feel the breeze, I can feel what whispers beneath these bones, beneath this flesh.
As these thoughts bounce about my mind and heart, for what feels like hours. I begin to see reality reform before my eyes. Clarity subdues the momentary chaos as I talk to myself from the cliff of true insanity.
The insanity that drives one to hide beneath a stone and rattle like the tail of a snake in fear. Warning the passerby my feeble existence is tamed only by the distance we share.
As I come to, I look about the room and there before me, stands Ruse, holding out what appears to be a glass of water. I reach out and ask, “tell me this is water and not some strange concoction again?!”
Ruse deals another one of his slim smirks and says, “Yes, it’s nothing more than the necessity that be water. Drink….before the thirst becomes too much.”
I grab hold of the water and chug it. Its cold compound delights my tongue. I feel a sense of relief calm me as if I drew thirsty from the victories of a war.
But I digress as it was merely the trip of some zestful drug. “Nothing more I can see from it but that. An “existence” of some sort, it is far from.”
But with full truth I cannot say, for certain belief's I carry lead me to be weary of such digestions of this world. As the water cools my body I look about the room as I finish off the drink.
Both Nowell and Nebri stand smiling at me in seduction. A part of me wishes to cling to them in some strange form of comfort. Like a child lost in the world looking for a trusting comfort to save them.
But I look at a Ruse and see him standing before me looking at me as if he knows what I am thinking. Looking to him I say, “What now?”
Ruse, looking to Nowell and Nebri, “Cal, I know what is pulling you in this moment, but you know as well what should be pulling you. How you will answer to the gravities of these is your chose. Like I said, I am neither here for your win or loss, but the show.”
Ruse then steps from my view as if to reveal what comes next. But the only thing to happen are conflicting urges within. Nebri and Nowell begin to step toward me.
I look to them with feelings drawn up by their presence. But as they reach only feet from me, I stand up and say with a pacing heart, “Ladies, your beauty consumes me and you are both elegant in your own way. And to have such choice, if not both. I fear lines must be drawn, a sacrifice must be made. And I have long felt a conflict within myself.
The conflict of what I be and how such I have been formed. I long sought the crumbs of the past. As if to pick them up and place them to their rightful owner shall bring about resolution but; either it be from the “existence” Ruse brought to me or by my own conclusion. The latter I believe more, much as one learns from the reflection of mistake if he so be open to such.
That has bled me to see my formation, my resolution that so long was lost behind false thoughts. It be not the past that forms me, but the choices I have yet to make. And like the stars among the deepen pitch of space, there is much to be seen or gained.
So I must exit this odd, yet satisfying moment and disperse myself before the multitude of satisfying taste is temporarily satisfied. No creature is built for the true freedoms of this world. And that, is what he must contest with daily. A bountiful option will devour any. So I must diminish and leave, too many flavors and I suspect to find only raving madness never to be satisfied in soul.”
My final words spoken and the room grows into a soft silence, I look over at Ruse, he nods and replies, “Well Cal, I must say, I am surprised. For so long we’ve waltzed in fields of duality. Playing as if neutral will yield grounds.”
Perplexed by his response in insertion of “we.” I respond, “We?”
Ruse, walking toward the door, “Yes, we, but that should be no surprise. You lead the findings of vibrations, now here I stand.”
Lost, I stand idle for a moment in the riddled words of Ruse, “What ever you mean it does not matter in this moment. I have to leave before I bring myself to the chains I have sworn over and over to break.”
Ruse exits the room closing the door behind him. I look over at Nebri and Nowell and jest them goodbye. As I walk past them, Nowell grabs my shoulder leans in and whispers, “Cal, I had doubt in you, but I believe that doubt is but my own. I cannot freely be as you are, I gave what little bit I had left. Don’t be the fool among the fools.”
Hand on the handle of the door I look at Nowell, silent tears fall from her now lonely eyes. Her hand slowly lifts from my shoulder as Nebri pulls her back in. I smile with sympathy and exit.
As I do I look down the hall toward my original entrance. I then look to the right, as I do, I see the heel of Ruse and spurt out his name. “RUSE!”
The door swiftly shuts as I step out reaching in attempt to catch him before he is gone. I grab the handle of the door and swing it open and step out.
The sun blares into my eyes as the sound of the afternoon rush of the city scurries about. Looking around I don’t see Ruse anywhere. “Damn, wonder where he went?”
Feeling a bit empty yet held with a urge to conquer the day in some unknown way. I leave behind today's moment in search of the next. In succession of what was opened by today.
As I start to make my way to my car, I look back as I pass the entrance of the bar. I watch as others enter and can’t help but think. “What paths of blindness do they walk? Are they as fallen as me or just in enjoyment of a momentary drink in celebration of now?”
— Thank you for reading —
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